2017 Day One

Thursday, March 9, 2017

2017 Day One

I always write on this blog for one reason, and one reason only. Today is day ONE of the attempt at a break from the wonderful MaryJane.

It's been awhile since I wrote so I have to start with a little backstory of where I am now. I've moved to New York City and my life has totally changed. I am turning 33 in a month. I moved to New York about two years ago. Portland Oregon was just not doing it for me anymore. I was going out on the town three nights a week and it was getting me nowhere. I was doing good throwing music events but the city is just too damn small and after a couple more break-ups since I last wrote...there wasn't anyone I was particularly interested in dating.

So here we are in New York, guess what I do for a living...ha! I'm a blogger! no really tho, I make 75k writing a couple blogs a day inhouse for a real estate company. It's pretty amazing. I had to fall on my face more than once over the last couple years and ran through 4 jobs so far, on to my fifth now and about 5 months here so far. I'm dating the nicest guy ever, he's 22 years old lol but he's really smart and super nice to me. I would love for us to get married, but I'm not sure if he's "the one". basically, it's his age, but I'm happy to be with him until I really am ready to go. Poor little snuggle. He's the best.

So he and I made a bet last night. We are both super competitive. Who could hold out on smoking the longest. I beat my homie and sister then last time I did this in the past, so I figure I should win easily. I'm doing no sugar for Lent right now, and I know i'll lose another 5lbs this week if I refrain from smoking just cause I won't be hungry. I'm actually feeling a little sick already and I'm not even finished with the day. Fancy dinner tonight...woo hoo ;-(

I lowkey wanna puff before dinner to just enjoy it, but its better this way. I'm going to do at least a couple days clean would love a month but I doubt i'll last that long. Still, a week or two is always a good break. I haven't even tried since I last wrote in 2013. I look back on the days of grad school TEN years ago...it doesn't feel like that long. I feel the same. Its strage to be able to look back on my life this way. I remember sitting there writing the first time. I was as old as my boyfriend is now. I haven't changed much. Really...I thought I would def have kids and be all boring and happily settled by now....NOT AT ALL.

My circumstances have changed greatly, but good old me remains the same. I re-read the blog and realize I really can't ever share it with anyone I know in real life. It's pretty real....I'll be writing more in the coming days for the reason I always write...to get out the feelz from not smoking. I expect they will come. I wonder what adventures lie ahead now.

Another year gone by

Surprised to see myself back on this blog. My trusty, secret blog to vent...again...as I stop smoking weed....again.

I know, I know...I'm almost 30 now >.< I thought this wouldn't be a thing anymore..but it is.

So here we are November 6th, my day 2 of not smoking. Just got in a fight with my bf and left my phone at his house...so annoying so I have to go back. Of course fight was because he smoked a bowl this morning and I told him how disappointed I was. He didn't take that well, and I took his reaction even worse. Im sooooo bugged.

I know its my own issues...that I am more piped up when i'm not smoking and that its not his fault but really mine that I am jealous that he smoked and im just gonna have to do this journey on my own...as usual.

Im already looking forward to tonight, dreaming all intense. Its the ONLY good thing about quitting on day 2. Holy shiz my emotions are intense. Just crying about it, and feeling super meh about everything.

So life stuff, I've got an even sweeter job now since last post working with a brand new start up. Its going really well, and I feel super cool leaving my comfy job to start something incredible.

Im not quitting the weed for any particular reason, I just felt that I needed a break and want to go for it and see if its a good deal. I am aiming for 30 days. I figure ill make it unless I feel the need to smoke before the big dinner on Thanksgiving, but I doubt I will. I like challenges, and I think ill get through it without breaking no problem...well not no problem, but minimal problems.

I will probably be writing daily for this week. I don't think that challenge last year lasted a day...lol i don't remember haha how ironic ;-)

I just finished up a 30 day hot yoga challenge and it went okay got in 19 days...so not as serious as I had hoped. I was getting all sick, most likely detoxing but overall I wasn't eating enough. Meh. Self improvement is a bitch huh!

I wanted to write today really cause i am lonely feeling and all emotional. My bf and I don't know how to be without weed in our lives. This will be the first break for him in 7 years and I bet its even tougher for him. I am trying to be chill about us, but this lack of cozy chronic is just making me think about all the negative things about us. SOOO MANY THINGS. Its really not fair to laundry list it all out especially cause I am just pissed at him.

Reading my last blog post was difficult. What a HORRIBLE time in my life, getting over that last break up. Suicidal and just broken to pieces. Funny how strong you think you are until a break up happens. I can't even begin to start. That ex STILL calls or texts me weekly trying to patch things up. Man has that ship sailed. It really is too bad, but im glad I guess..for the life lesson. I hope that I wont have to go through such devastation again, but im not counting on it.

This one time..at band camp...no really it was in school in 8th grade I opened my locker and stabbed myself deep in the hand with a pencil. Im guessing it wasn't lead but even still I have a piece of it stuck right in my left hand on my life line. Its past the middle and I always imagine that something really fucked up is going to happen at that time, and that Ill still have life after hence the line still going. I worry about that spot sometimes, think about what will go wrong. I believe that my thoughts might contribute to the manifestation of said disaster and worry about that too. Silly brain. This is why i want to smoke right now, to forget about my spot in my hand and the difficulties of the day. Shit just doesn't matter as much when you're high. True story.

So there we are, years in the making this blog, years of my own difficulties in not smoking the blessed weed. I wrote this letter to myself on December 31st 1999 to myself at 30. I had assumed that by now I would have kids etc. I do remember writing to myself "you better not be smoking weed still" how funny I knew then that this would be a life struggle. Not that I think marijuana is such a bad thing...its just my thing. Anyhoo, hopefully the rest of this week wont totally suck, and ill be sure to write about the up's and down's.

Heart Pain

Hello world! Its been three years. Three years since my last post and wow has shit changed. Guess why I am here though....that's right. I am quitting the weed again. Got the masters, have a nice cozy job now. Got rid of old boyfriend, had a poly relationship with a couple and am now pulling myself out of that hole. Literally on my knees and lifting my broken, disheveled body out of the pain and stupidity of the last year. LOVE HURTS

Oh yeah I learned something. 28 years old now. Old bitch. I started this blog at 23 I think. It's still my secret blog. No one in my real life has ever read it I don't think. I am glad I still can pour out my little heart somewhere.


So yeah, tomorrow is Halloween and I will be taking my first step of sobriety on Thursday. I'll be blogging every time I get the urge to smoke and will probably have a lot of crazy shit to talk about. I don't even know where to begin, but hold on to your hats. It's been a crazy ride.

mind shift

Life changes, so I am making life changes. I am on a yoga kick, done six days in a row..five were hot yoga in the studio, and one day on my own. ITs amazing how yoga not only transforms your body but also how much more control I have over my mind is even more uncanny. I usually bitch and moan about any little task that I have to do, and try to get sympathy from those around me. now, I just do it. Don't think, just do. I am going to have to do the task anyway, I might as well not bitch about it. Strangely not bitching makes tasks less horrible. Its like amazing that i did not already know this. Now when I hear my roommate bitching about whatever, I just tune out and feel happy that I notice that I no longer do it. Yay for me.

Still smoking herb, but not as much. this is a short blog cause I am meeting my prego sister for lunch. I am in the midst of planning her shot gun wedding, and the stress that was so great, is melting in front of me.

Ugh, I couldn't do it. Drank, smoked and a little oxycotin last night too. wtf. Why can't I just have some self restraint?? I gotta try again. today will be my true day one. I am going to be such a bitch face.

Life in the looney bin

I feel totally normal again today. School has sobered me up more quickly than I had wanted. Japanese class has my brain on a different wave length. I am thankful for that. I am so excited to visit Japan next year.

I need time to get clear, clean again. God damnit. I have am not drinking for the month, and no drugs...my last dance with mary jane will be tomorrow. I'll let the crazy out on Halloween, but not till then.

I am moving downtown next week, with my best friend. A whole new beginning. Living with my dad again at 25 has been more than demoralizing. Its been a month now, and I am dying to get out and on my own again. I fucking love this town though, and am really ready to find new secrets and crevasses.

Taking a little break from Ryan. not ready to let go yet, but thinking about it. This last week has been like a dream. A drama out of my mind dream....and it was good, but now I have to repent

I fucking hate being here at night though, its just weird being here with my dad. I love him, but he just talks about my little brother who is on drugs all the time. and how he is paying for him to be in college blah blah blah. My little brother is a total douche bag, doing heroin and selling drugs...badly. I don't know....I helped dad move him to my college town and get him enrolled at the community college..all while he was coming off the dope. We just caught the little fucker back at home downtown hanging out while he was supposed to be in class. Ridiculous. my dad took him back to school yesterday. He is so involved. My little sister is there and just had her birthday yesterday. 20 years old. Ah the good days. College.

I haven't partied like I did this week since college. four years of drugs and sex and parties.

I gotta grow up. Its a new ball game at 25. gotta get on my game...

drugs and strippers

I almost eat pussy last night. I know......it was not planned. I hung out with my stripper friend Juliet, and she was wanting to check out some new clubs to work at. I guess she isn't making any money, and thought maybe a change in venue would bring her better luck. We went to two clubs, and got our drinks paid for us. The first club took only a little booty shake from my girl and the first chump was putty in her hands. Guy number two was already won...a regular of her's I guess.....he was young and ok looking....but whatever...i was not in any mood. My dad had taken me to see Micheal Moores movie "Capitalism, a love story". It was depressing and made me feel pretty stupid to be pursuing my graduate degree and taking on student loans that I will probably be paying for the rest of my life....40k and counting....I'll owe 60k by the time I am out. Only strippers could really get me out of the shitty mood I was in...and alcohol.

Two Spanish coffee's later, and on to the next.... Juliet asks our man to give her a quick $20 for a lap dance....he does and we go outside for a smoke. I know I was wasted because I let him squish me and kiss my neck while I drunkenly swayed in front of him. I didn't care...I am already damaged

Maybe I did care....cause the moment Juliet started kissing me at the club, I called Ryan (my bf) and told him to "get ready for some action". We finally got home having driven too drunk to legally drive...which I know is horrible. Ryan was in director mode. Every time our girl lips locked, he would try to get us in the bedroom. Finally we decided to play some dress up. My ex stripper clothes were finally an asset.

She is too pretty. Perfect body...fucking perfect. I am not...a little too round in the middle and maybe it was this alone that was the problem. I mean how could he not want her? I didn't let him fuck her, but she played with his cock, I saw them kiss, I sucked her tits while he fucked me, and his fingers were thrust deep inside her while he came in my mouth. It was his lucky night. You know why I did it....I know why I did it. At the end, I let Juliet lay in the middle of us...I felt done....I came, he came...I even banged her till she came...but it wasn't enough attention. She needed more, and she wanted it from him. I let him have it. I felt him cheat on me....my back was turned, but I knew I deserved it and I cried.

Finally I left the room claiming alcohol sickness. I told him it was over....our relationship because he fucked her....

He swore he didn't that he never put his dick in her....blast.....i felt them moving over there, but he was never one that could get his dick hard again for round two. My plan for freedom ruined...I slept on the couch, Ryan on the other, and Juliet in our bed. She left around four and we went to bed. I puked all night then we picked up my car in the morning and invited her to breakfast.

Eh.

Too much drugs and drinking and sluttyness. I am not this person. I have not been like this for years....its like I am so fucked emotionally right now I can't help but binge binge binge. I have never felt so alone, like I can't trust anyone with my secrets anymore. this is my secret blog...