Surprised to see myself back on this blog. My trusty, secret blog to vent...again...as I stop smoking weed....again.
I know, I know...I'm almost 30 now >.< I thought this wouldn't be a thing anymore..but it is.
So here we are November 6th, my day 2 of not smoking. Just got in a fight with my bf and left my phone at his house...so annoying so I have to go back. Of course fight was because he smoked a bowl this morning and I told him how disappointed I was. He didn't take that well, and I took his reaction even worse. Im sooooo bugged.
I know its my own issues...that I am more piped up when i'm not smoking and that its not his fault but really mine that I am jealous that he smoked and im just gonna have to do this journey on my own...as usual.
Im already looking forward to tonight, dreaming all intense. Its the ONLY good thing about quitting on day 2. Holy shiz my emotions are intense. Just crying about it, and feeling super meh about everything.
So life stuff, I've got an even sweeter job now since last post working with a brand new start up. Its going really well, and I feel super cool leaving my comfy job to start something incredible.
Im not quitting the weed for any particular reason, I just felt that I needed a break and want to go for it and see if its a good deal. I am aiming for 30 days. I figure ill make it unless I feel the need to smoke before the big dinner on Thanksgiving, but I doubt I will. I like challenges, and I think ill get through it without breaking no problem...well not no problem, but minimal problems.
I will probably be writing daily for this week. I don't think that challenge last year lasted a day...lol i don't remember haha how ironic ;-)
I just finished up a 30 day hot yoga challenge and it went okay got in 19 days...so not as serious as I had hoped. I was getting all sick, most likely detoxing but overall I wasn't eating enough. Meh. Self improvement is a bitch huh!
I wanted to write today really cause i am lonely feeling and all emotional. My bf and I don't know how to be without weed in our lives. This will be the first break for him in 7 years and I bet its even tougher for him. I am trying to be chill about us, but this lack of cozy chronic is just making me think about all the negative things about us. SOOO MANY THINGS. Its really not fair to laundry list it all out especially cause I am just pissed at him.
Reading my last blog post was difficult. What a HORRIBLE time in my life, getting over that last break up. Suicidal and just broken to pieces. Funny how strong you think you are until a break up happens. I can't even begin to start. That ex STILL calls or texts me weekly trying to patch things up. Man has that ship sailed. It really is too bad, but im glad I guess..for the life lesson. I hope that I wont have to go through such devastation again, but im not counting on it.
This one time..at band camp...no really it was in school in 8th grade I opened my locker and stabbed myself deep in the hand with a pencil. Im guessing it wasn't lead but even still I have a piece of it stuck right in my left hand on my life line. Its past the middle and I always imagine that something really fucked up is going to happen at that time, and that Ill still have life after hence the line still going. I worry about that spot sometimes, think about what will go wrong. I believe that my thoughts might contribute to the manifestation of said disaster and worry about that too. Silly brain. This is why i want to smoke right now, to forget about my spot in my hand and the difficulties of the day. Shit just doesn't matter as much when you're high. True story.
So there we are, years in the making this blog, years of my own difficulties in not smoking the blessed weed. I wrote this letter to myself on December 31st 1999 to myself at 30. I had assumed that by now I would have kids etc. I do remember writing to myself "you better not be smoking weed still" how funny I knew then that this would be a life struggle. Not that I think marijuana is such a bad thing...its just my thing. Anyhoo, hopefully the rest of this week wont totally suck, and ill be sure to write about the up's and down's.
