15 days clean

Hit the two week mark....feeling like smoking a bowl. Sooooo I guess it just never ends. Sobriety is never going to be easy and every day is a god damn struggle. My moods are rediculous, and I have kicked my boyfriend out of bed twice this week. So yeah, I am being a bitch. I hope that I can stabalize soon. I traded a dub for six vicodin yesterday and took four....it was OK, but not as cozy as weed is.

It snowed for the first time this year in portland yesterday. I was feeling so cozy with the snow and a fire, and I just wanted to smoke so bad...and I didn't. I have to at least give myself props for not giving in. Another two weeks and I will have made an accomplishment. God weed is a bitch to get out of your system. I have been running and drinking water, but I still feel sluggish and tired all the time, and still no more clear than day two.

Not going to give up though, at least not yet.

annoying lover

Game theory......wtf. Three guys tied to trees in the forest. They are tied in a triangular shape so that each can see only what is behind the to other two. Here is the game. The chief pulls out five women, three are brunette, and two are blonde. The chief says "you have ten minutes to figure out which lady is behind you, blonde or brunette. IF you choose wrong, you die.

You can see what ladies are behind your buddies....you see that each has a brunette behind him. So that leaves one Brunette and Two blondes. Who is behind you?? No communication with your buddies....ten minutes....hands tied behind your back.

Something is fucking missing in this story.

My teacher gave me this for homework when I got out of class at 10pm tonight, and I am sick of thinking aobut it.

Got in a fight with my boyfriend cause I told him he couldn't help me cause it was a "500 level game theory question" and that hurt his feelings so he won't talk to me, and is playing Call of Duty online which is glitching everything I do online.

God damnit.

Sometimes I invision myself sticking a knife deep within my chest and just bleeding out until I die. It's always a knife....in my chest in my neck, somwhere deep, somewhere that hurts.

One night as an undergrad I went to a club that was having fetish night. I was asked if I would be ok with being tied up and whipped for all to see....being an ex stripper, I was always down to put on a show.

Wow, being whipped is painfull. I thought it would be sexual or good feeling, and in a way it was, but not how I thought it would be. It was super painfull and really hurt for awhile, slowly I started drifting into shock, and that's when I finally understood what it was all about. The endophans rushing through your body to deal with the pain is where the pleasure comes from.

I was rithing on the platform and lifting up and down while he was whipping my back and butt, and everyone was watching me and it was really sexy for a moment.

Then I went into full shock and started crying and had to stop. I couldn't stop shaking and crying afterward and was outside trying to get my bearings for awhile. My back had massive welts on it for days after, and I had to hide them from my ex boyfriend because I still wanted to date him and he wouldn't have approved of my actions....

what a weird time. I dont' know why I wrote about it....maybe I miss the action. I am so fucking bored.

9 flipping days

alright, it's finals week and I am feeling the pressure, and I want to let loose and smoke a bowl, but so far I haven't. I am surprised that I haven't cheated in at all. In fact I have sold all the herb in the house so for the first time it's not in my face. I am still hazy and I don't think I could pass a drug test yet. I wonder how long it will really take to feel drug free. At least I have come this far, I hope that I will be able to get through this whole month with no slip ups.

One bad week

OK, I did it, a week clean. whatever though cause I still feel unaccomplished and nothing is different. I almost smoked today out of spite for the whole thing. But I really want to see what a whole month feels like and mom said she would take me out to get a facial if I Succeed, fuck, it will be a whole new year at that point. Ugh, it's hard, as hard as I thought it would be. I was feeling so good a few days ago, and now my perspective is angry. What's the point of staying sober.

I didn't get out of bed until two today, wrote a paper, and now it's 11:00pm and almost time for bed again. Maybe I am just depressed, or depressed cause I can't smoke weed anymore. I thought I would not be sad anymore when I was sober and I cried all day and my body feels like shit.

I stalked my boyfriends ex on myspace for hours....her friends and family like a total freak. why am I soooooo fucked up and compulsive and well........depressing. its embarrassing that I am so obsessed with her. Of course there is a story behind it...and I guess I will spill it from the beginning.

My boyfriend that I am with now Ryan, took my virginity when I was just about to turn 16. Right after we went downstairs and he was so drunk he lit his cigarette backwards and told me that he "only did that to cheat on his girlfriend". Anne. So he had lost his virginity to her at 14 and her to him. They were on a supposed break when he took mine. We never hooked up again and he went back to her. A few months later she found out about it and called me. I had never spoken to her before, but she made it clear that she was going to ruin my life. So Ryan had called her on threeway and when I got off, I tried to call a friend, and oops, they were still on the line together. He was telling her that I meant nothing blah blah blah.

SO great, I finish high school and go to college. I proceed to get into an abusive relationship and fall head obsessive over heels in love with a boy named John, when he kicked me to the curb I was devastated. I figured the only person that could fix me, or that I wanted was Ryan. I had heard that he was finally out of the relationship with Anne(after 7 years) and was moving back to Oregon. At first I just wanted to sleep with him again to show him that I wasn't that 15 year old girl anymore. So, I went to a party where he was, and well....got with him. It didn't fix me. I had to be his girlfriend....so after much stalking and showing up and buying him things....depressing I know.....he dated me. Still not good enough, he had to love me!!! And now he does...and I am not fixed still.

Back to the ex. when I lived at the mountain and Ryan and I were long distance for awhile, she came to visit and "slept on the couch" a mutual friend called me and told me that he thought they fucked, so I called and flipped out, and still believe something happened. I found out later in a drunken fight that they had "talked about getting back together". I know that she cheated on her boyfreind and slept with him when we were first hooking up which was fine cause I was still sleeping with John, and this cowboy Wyatt (who's last girlfriend was playmate of the year 2007) and Ryan too...so whatever, but when she "slept on the couch" we were totally exclusive for 7 months.


I am still unhappy whenever I see this girl, I even invited her to Ryan's suprise party 6 months later and she drove 5 hours to be there (I didn't actually think she would come) and showed up and was all over him and really bugged the shit out of me. I was dancing with a girlfriend and she grabs me and starts dancing with me!! THIS IS THE PIC I HAVE POSTED. So fucking weird and then her best friend put pics up on myspace, and she wrote a comment "what a stupid bitch, I can't believe I danced with her, she looks like such a whore" of course I read it since I am a myspace stalker, and was devastated. My boyfreind commented that she was a bitch, and she actually called me on the phone the next day to say sorry and that at the time she wrote it she thought it "would be funny" she made me promise to hang out the next night. So I did with Ryan and she was all over him , and showing him video's of her making out with her girlfriend...ugh and I just didn't like her at all. by this time she had broken up with her boyfriend in Cali, and was just moved back here....


Anne is not beautiful but the prettiest of her friends, she is short with dark hair, and an OK body. When I saw her last, I was drunk enough to talk to her and we actually had a conversation. She told me that she was a barrista (I acted like i didn't' know...like I wasn't on her myspace a million times a day) and lived at home with her dad, and was happy to be a barrista until she died. Well, I knew that I had won in a way ....I mean to be content with that...and her new car ( A KIA) I mean, I want so much more. I am not saying that she has a bad life, but to not aspire for more, I felt like I had something she didn't. Still, she is cute, and has a new boyfriend, and at the party told Ryan's best friends mom that she was sad she "didn't marry Ryan" but I was looking pretty good, going to grad school, and right now at least Ryan loves me.

So why do I continue to bother myself looking at pictures of her, and even some with her and ryan together from 2006?? I don't understand myself. I thought that the behavior would suddenly stop when I quit smoking because I would have more control over myself. Alas this is not the case.

So I always think that he cheated on me, and even though she has slept with his co-worker, and two of his closest friends since she has moved back to town, well, I still think he loves her.

It really brings me back to the night she "Slept on the couch" He said that he didn't sleep with her because he had me, and she had a boyfriend. I know for a fact that she had cheated on that boyfriend with Ryan in February of that same year, and now it was November so what was stopping her?? Also, he pretty much said that he would have slept with her if he didn't have me, so that means he still wants to fuck her.....he is still attracted to her, and I can see how an old habit would be hard to break considering he had fucked her every time he saw her his whole sexual life! so how do I live up to that??? I fantasize that he thinks of her when he fucks me, even while we are having sex....he used to tell me I am too tall...I am 5'7 she is 5'2. They talked about getting back together that night....did they kiss?? did they in fact have sex?? What fucking happened.

God damnit, writing doesn't seem to be making it any clearer or making me feel any better. I just feel angry and more obsessed than ever. Sometimes when I see her I just want to ask what happened. Drama queen I know, and it's been over a year now so it seems a little late. When I see her I used to get so worked up I would go sit in the car and cry about it, but now I almost look forward to it since I am doing so well (in comparison in my mind) and I can tell she is jelous and I want her to feel like I did when I was 15 and she was with him and I was the outcast. She does have a new boyfriend Richie, and he is basically a loser. When she and I were out for a friends birthday she didn't have a chance to talk to Ryan or me at all because she was hanging all over her own man since she had cheated on him with Ryan's best friend a few nights before. It was a gleefull night for me to say the least. And maybe I am just looking for something to be angry about, something to feel, I guess i enjoy being sad and depressed and obsessed. It is ridiculous and totally silly..

wow, I can really go on and on, but truly this subject takes up about an hour of my day every day, and I wish I could let it go.

It's not like I don't' have an ex myself. In fact John my ex from college still does my taxes and I do talk to him from time to time and I always wonder when I am going to see him "will I still be attracted to him? Do I still want to sleep with him?" Usually when I see him I am thankful that I have Ryan, I wonder if Ryan feels the same when he sees Anne.....I will always wonder. I have beaten the dead horse on this subject with ryan to the point that I can't even bring her up without him getting a little angry. It's really boring to be obsessed. I wish I could stop.

day 6

So far so good right??

I am going to stop counting the days now....until I hit a bench mark like a month or something. My whole family is so happy for me and are all on my case trying to help me stay sober. Mom wants me to go to NA (narcotics anonymous) and I said I didn't want to go because I have been to MA (marijuana anonymous) before and it only made me want to smoke more. I am so busy with school I don't have much time to mope about not smoking lately. my boyfriend is kicking me off the computer so he can do his midterm...

Day four 11:53pm

Another day down, and I am feeling alright hence the lack of an earlier entry. I am tired and don't "need" to vent much, though tonight in class my two fucking friends come in to a 4 hour 500 level grad school class totally wasted. And I was like you guys are really annoying and need to stop making ridiculous comments in class tonight. My hommie tells me to go fuck myself...which hurt my feelings and said that he doesn't say anything to me when I am stoned in class, and I then had to remind him that I don't ever talk when I am stoned "SO THERE!!!"

Anyway, I am enjoying at least being righteous about my sobriety. Stupid alcoholics.... ;-)

but really, it did feel good, to for once be on the other side of the fence. I am doing good, and I don't feel like using at all right now....a new experience. And I talked to my dad on the phone for an hour last night and he told me that I sound different and more excited about everything, and he was really happy to know that I am not using weed anymore.

I like making my dad happy.

yay for me

Day 3 2:04 pm

OK, it's day three, I haven't gone this long in over a year. I almost almost lost it today. My boyfriend was looking for the pipe and had to ask my where it was....ugh, anoying. Then I could smell the wonderful goodness spewing from the kitchen as he got a little bit.

I don't think that smoking weed is a bad thing. It's smoking ten times a day that is a bad thing. If only I could smoke like I drink, just a little bit. My mind is playing tricks on me even right now, I keep thinking that I can just smoke one bowl. The effects would only last two hours and then, put it down and move on. yeah right...I know I would just be like I was before.

Its mostly important for me to be clean so that when I have a month long break from school in two weeks, that I don't completely waste that most valuable time. I am going to want to be fully functional to do some of the things that I really want to do, like photography and getting in shape.

I feel that this blog is getting boring. If I am bored and I am the one writing, it's not a good thing. However this blog is for once, just for me, and for me to get healthy.

Getting through this day three will be a blessing, after one week, hopefully it will be breezy getting through the month and the next month etc.

Marijuana really is a strange one....I sometimes wish I had a drug counselor to talk to, because it seems like so less and evil when comparing it to cociane, meth and heroine. I mean, being addicted to those drugs is so bad that been addicted to weed seems miniscule.

still, trying to be strong and keep on trucking

day two 10:51pm

Blogging again...got home from class and lost it on my boyfriend because he didn't go to the store and get toilet paper and dishwashing soap....it's after ten and I drag him to the store where we get in a fight at the store because my feet hurt because my shoes are too tight....errrrrrrrr, right now I am feeling hot, and sweaty and tired and angry. I wish that I could smoke so that I could forget my frustrations. These are the moments of need....and thus I write....write because I neeeeeeeed so badely to get out of myself. Thank god I am not a drinker....so less manageable than smoking herb. Still I must not loose site of the goal. I have told a few people but not too many. It's not for them anyway, it's all for me, and god damnit I am going to make it.


I realize again, that quitting is not the problem, it's staying sober that's so hard. Finding something else to do with my time, and being able to trully cope with my emotions. I am lucky that I have such a nice boyfreind and really, I mean wonderfull. We only fight when I am feeling bitchy, and I mostly have him wrapped around my finger....and my sister tells me to treat him better (as in nicer and not so demanding)....and I think being smoke free will allow me to get my sexual juices flowing.

We are fairly inactive.....and I am sure the chronic has something to do with it. I am hoping that being smoke free will allow our love to flourish. being high actually can have this weird awkward effect, even around your own boyfriend of three years. I really noticed last night when I kissed him goodnight and said "i am kinda interested" and I could tell that he was feeling weird and I knew it was because he was high. It's hard to explain what weed feels like, because I was smoking about 10 times a day, so not really getting "high" just feeling hungry and well....normal.

So now, I feel "not normal" being sober. It's a harsh sober world. Feelings are painfull.

out for now

Day two 2:37pm

Today is actually a little bit better than yesterday. I still want to smoke desperately but I am out of the haze for the moment and my will power is in tact. I hid all the pipes and the bong.....however this morning i found a pipe in the living room cause my boyfriend is an asshole....not really but he knows better than to tempt me.

I have a star that I keep drawing on my hand to remind me that I care about quitting for good. It also reminds me of spirituality and keeps me thinking and thanking.

Yes I want to smoke...right now actually which is why I am writing. I am still not eating much, but I like that because I need to loose some weight anyway. I am starting a new grad school class, and procrastinating on the reading I need to do for class.

I pride myself on my ability to sleep and last night was bullshit. I started this clonix cleanse to help get my system cleaned up, and it made me sweat so much and have to go to the bathroom all night long, and I feel kinda sick today....weird. It's a month long process, hopefully I will feel different, and better when its over.

I am glad that I haven't given in yet, and I think that if I can get through this week, I might be OK for good. I am mostly worried that I will get drunk and smoke then...so that is why I am asking my boyfriend to hide the pipes from me really good so I just can't find them. We sell weed so it's going to be around...and this morning I could smell it really strong...it was a bad moment. It would be wise to stop but I don't have a paying job, and school is expensive...so you gotta do what you gotta do right?

now I am going to attempt to read for school and get through this day two!!

Day one 7:12pm

God damnit.....

Home from dance class....now what do I do??? Usually I am ok because i know that I can smoke a bowl and watch some tv....ugh


I am frustrated....i hate being alone and I tend to use weed to make people stay with me and smoke and hang out....

I am quitting because I find myself not accomplishing as much as I know I can. For instance last week was my week off of classes and I had planned to get into shape and run every day and lift weights and go on my diet...instead I downloaded 15 new movies and watched them all one after another!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck right??

I am a lazy bitch......

When I am not home I want to hurry home asap to smoke or hang out with my boyfriend, and I actually feel anxious when I am not home because I dont' know what I should be doing. If I could just stick to my TO DO lists, I would be happier, and healthier....fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I have weed just sitting here....waiting for me to smoke...and I can't...........

I fear not smoking because I sometimes have spiritual experiences when I do, and I don't want to loose them. They happen far and few between my daily bowls, but still....something to consider.

I know that in the next few days, I am going to forget why I stopped in the first place....I need to remember that it's not becoming to be a stoner....It's lazy and boring, and I am boring because of it.

I am making a goal to not smoke till my birthday in four months...that's not fucking forever!!! why why why why why does it feel so lonely??? My buddy Mary JANE!!!!!

AH me....

cold turkey....no smoking....

and I smoked a cig today...it did nothing for me....almost made me feel sick because I haven't eaten enough today....

Not smoking weed makes my appetite weird and my mood shitty.

Day one is almost over....at least I think I will be busy tomorrow with some homework and starting new classes. I hope that I can keep this going....I am not going to tell my friends at school until I have been clean for a week. I think they will just think I am being dramatic and crazy...though none of them smoke weed...

I dont drink much because the weed mixes bad and I get sick a lot. I dont smoke cigs often because I just don't "need" to, though I will when I am drinking or stressed...but it doesn't have a hold on me like the chronic does.....

I am going to succeed. I have never failed really at something that I have really wanted. I hope that through giving up weed I will gain a better love for myself, because that's what this is all about really.

Day one 3:10pm

Starting this blog to get through the turmoil of giving up weed....yes, I am a stoner....been smoking for years now...grad school has started and I am trying to give it all up....at least till my birthday on april 23rd. I am freaking out......already....and its only been a few hours. It's that I smoke all the time....all the fucking time really....when I drive, when I am home....before I work out...before I do anything really....and it's a sad life .....I just smoke and smoke and watch so much tv my eyes hurt. So, now, when I am angry as I am now (fucking bank gave me hell today trying to get my student loans) and just write until I can't write any more.....


I am going to dance class in a bit....gotta write some emails...I am sure I'll be venting pretty heavy in the next few days....it actually hurts a little to not smoke....anxious, and very easily annoyed. Picking up some clove cigs to help...I hope they do.