Blogging again...got home from class and lost it on my boyfriend because he didn't go to the store and get toilet paper and dishwashing soap....it's after ten and I drag him to the store where we get in a fight at the store because my feet hurt because my shoes are too tight....errrrrrrrr, right now I am feeling hot, and sweaty and tired and angry. I wish that I could smoke so that I could forget my frustrations. These are the moments of need....and thus I write....write because I neeeeeeeed so badely to get out of myself. Thank god I am not a drinker....so less manageable than smoking herb. Still I must not loose site of the goal. I have told a few people but not too many. It's not for them anyway, it's all for me, and god damnit I am going to make it.
I realize again, that quitting is not the problem, it's staying sober that's so hard. Finding something else to do with my time, and being able to trully cope with my emotions. I am lucky that I have such a nice boyfreind and really, I mean wonderfull. We only fight when I am feeling bitchy, and I mostly have him wrapped around my finger....and my sister tells me to treat him better (as in nicer and not so demanding)....and I think being smoke free will allow me to get my sexual juices flowing.
We are fairly inactive.....and I am sure the chronic has something to do with it. I am hoping that being smoke free will allow our love to flourish. being high actually can have this weird awkward effect, even around your own boyfriend of three years. I really noticed last night when I kissed him goodnight and said "i am kinda interested" and I could tell that he was feeling weird and I knew it was because he was high. It's hard to explain what weed feels like, because I was smoking about 10 times a day, so not really getting "high" just feeling hungry and well....normal.
So now, I feel "not normal" being sober. It's a harsh sober world. Feelings are painfull.
out for now
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