drugs and strippers

I almost eat pussy last night. I know......it was not planned. I hung out with my stripper friend Juliet, and she was wanting to check out some new clubs to work at. I guess she isn't making any money, and thought maybe a change in venue would bring her better luck. We went to two clubs, and got our drinks paid for us. The first club took only a little booty shake from my girl and the first chump was putty in her hands. Guy number two was already won...a regular of her's I guess.....he was young and ok looking....but whatever...i was not in any mood. My dad had taken me to see Micheal Moores movie "Capitalism, a love story". It was depressing and made me feel pretty stupid to be pursuing my graduate degree and taking on student loans that I will probably be paying for the rest of my life....40k and counting....I'll owe 60k by the time I am out. Only strippers could really get me out of the shitty mood I was in...and alcohol.

Two Spanish coffee's later, and on to the next.... Juliet asks our man to give her a quick $20 for a lap dance....he does and we go outside for a smoke. I know I was wasted because I let him squish me and kiss my neck while I drunkenly swayed in front of him. I didn't care...I am already damaged

Maybe I did care....cause the moment Juliet started kissing me at the club, I called Ryan (my bf) and told him to "get ready for some action". We finally got home having driven too drunk to legally drive...which I know is horrible. Ryan was in director mode. Every time our girl lips locked, he would try to get us in the bedroom. Finally we decided to play some dress up. My ex stripper clothes were finally an asset.

She is too pretty. Perfect body...fucking perfect. I am not...a little too round in the middle and maybe it was this alone that was the problem. I mean how could he not want her? I didn't let him fuck her, but she played with his cock, I saw them kiss, I sucked her tits while he fucked me, and his fingers were thrust deep inside her while he came in my mouth. It was his lucky night. You know why I did it....I know why I did it. At the end, I let Juliet lay in the middle of us...I felt done....I came, he came...I even banged her till she came...but it wasn't enough attention. She needed more, and she wanted it from him. I let him have it. I felt him cheat on me....my back was turned, but I knew I deserved it and I cried.

Finally I left the room claiming alcohol sickness. I told him it was over....our relationship because he fucked her....

He swore he didn't that he never put his dick in her....blast.....i felt them moving over there, but he was never one that could get his dick hard again for round two. My plan for freedom ruined...I slept on the couch, Ryan on the other, and Juliet in our bed. She left around four and we went to bed. I puked all night then we picked up my car in the morning and invited her to breakfast.

Eh.

Too much drugs and drinking and sluttyness. I am not this person. I have not been like this for years....its like I am so fucked emotionally right now I can't help but binge binge binge. I have never felt so alone, like I can't trust anyone with my secrets anymore. this is my secret blog...