I am such a whore

God damnit....why did I do it??

Last night, I went and hung out with my old co-workers and one of them I have always had a crush on. He is so similar to me with our drug backgrounds and running cities with weed. He was all over me last night. I liked it. He gave me some herb, bought all my drinks, and made me drive up the street to get some blow. My other ex co-sorker was passed out in my car. We did some lines....and well.....we started making out, and he was all over my tits, sucking on them and kissing me.

The kissing was bad, I didnt' like it and told him to "for gods sake close your mouth!" I tried to kiss him so it would be good for me...but it never really was. I was not turned on really...my ex stripper status turned on and I felt like I was just doing him a favor, nothing for me. God....I feel terrible. he just called me and said he was sorry for what happend and that the morning guilt was bad. It was bad for me too. I guess i have been so bored with my relationship that I wanted to know what it would be like. And now I know...and I don't want to cheat again.

At the end of the night he walked me back to the car, and we made out again, and titties, and I let him finger bang me...which I hated.....I just am not into him.

Sucks...............the grass is always greener. I am not telling ANYONE, and I have a huge mouth so its really hard to hold it in. Hence the blog.....my secret blog.

How do I redeem myself? When he called today to say sorry, he told me of his guilt and that he was just really drunk, and that we should hang out again and be friends, and that it would never happen again.................ugh, I actually felt kinda sad that it wouldn't. wierd cause I didn't like it, but I guess I like being wanted.

I miss my boyfriend. I wish I could let him touch me the way I let my exco-worker....what the fuck is wrong with me??

15 days clean

Hit the two week mark....feeling like smoking a bowl. Sooooo I guess it just never ends. Sobriety is never going to be easy and every day is a god damn struggle. My moods are rediculous, and I have kicked my boyfriend out of bed twice this week. So yeah, I am being a bitch. I hope that I can stabalize soon. I traded a dub for six vicodin yesterday and took four....it was OK, but not as cozy as weed is.

It snowed for the first time this year in portland yesterday. I was feeling so cozy with the snow and a fire, and I just wanted to smoke so bad...and I didn't. I have to at least give myself props for not giving in. Another two weeks and I will have made an accomplishment. God weed is a bitch to get out of your system. I have been running and drinking water, but I still feel sluggish and tired all the time, and still no more clear than day two.

Not going to give up though, at least not yet.

annoying lover

Game theory......wtf. Three guys tied to trees in the forest. They are tied in a triangular shape so that each can see only what is behind the to other two. Here is the game. The chief pulls out five women, three are brunette, and two are blonde. The chief says "you have ten minutes to figure out which lady is behind you, blonde or brunette. IF you choose wrong, you die.

You can see what ladies are behind your buddies....you see that each has a brunette behind him. So that leaves one Brunette and Two blondes. Who is behind you?? No communication with your buddies....ten minutes....hands tied behind your back.

Something is fucking missing in this story.

My teacher gave me this for homework when I got out of class at 10pm tonight, and I am sick of thinking aobut it.

Got in a fight with my boyfriend cause I told him he couldn't help me cause it was a "500 level game theory question" and that hurt his feelings so he won't talk to me, and is playing Call of Duty online which is glitching everything I do online.

God damnit.

Sometimes I invision myself sticking a knife deep within my chest and just bleeding out until I die. It's always a knife....in my chest in my neck, somwhere deep, somewhere that hurts.

One night as an undergrad I went to a club that was having fetish night. I was asked if I would be ok with being tied up and whipped for all to see....being an ex stripper, I was always down to put on a show.

Wow, being whipped is painfull. I thought it would be sexual or good feeling, and in a way it was, but not how I thought it would be. It was super painfull and really hurt for awhile, slowly I started drifting into shock, and that's when I finally understood what it was all about. The endophans rushing through your body to deal with the pain is where the pleasure comes from.

I was rithing on the platform and lifting up and down while he was whipping my back and butt, and everyone was watching me and it was really sexy for a moment.

Then I went into full shock and started crying and had to stop. I couldn't stop shaking and crying afterward and was outside trying to get my bearings for awhile. My back had massive welts on it for days after, and I had to hide them from my ex boyfriend because I still wanted to date him and he wouldn't have approved of my actions....

what a weird time. I dont' know why I wrote about it....maybe I miss the action. I am so fucking bored.

9 flipping days

alright, it's finals week and I am feeling the pressure, and I want to let loose and smoke a bowl, but so far I haven't. I am surprised that I haven't cheated in at all. In fact I have sold all the herb in the house so for the first time it's not in my face. I am still hazy and I don't think I could pass a drug test yet. I wonder how long it will really take to feel drug free. At least I have come this far, I hope that I will be able to get through this whole month with no slip ups.

One bad week

OK, I did it, a week clean. whatever though cause I still feel unaccomplished and nothing is different. I almost smoked today out of spite for the whole thing. But I really want to see what a whole month feels like and mom said she would take me out to get a facial if I Succeed, fuck, it will be a whole new year at that point. Ugh, it's hard, as hard as I thought it would be. I was feeling so good a few days ago, and now my perspective is angry. What's the point of staying sober.

I didn't get out of bed until two today, wrote a paper, and now it's 11:00pm and almost time for bed again. Maybe I am just depressed, or depressed cause I can't smoke weed anymore. I thought I would not be sad anymore when I was sober and I cried all day and my body feels like shit.

I stalked my boyfriends ex on myspace for hours....her friends and family like a total freak. why am I soooooo fucked up and compulsive and well........depressing. its embarrassing that I am so obsessed with her. Of course there is a story behind it...and I guess I will spill it from the beginning.

My boyfriend that I am with now Ryan, took my virginity when I was just about to turn 16. Right after we went downstairs and he was so drunk he lit his cigarette backwards and told me that he "only did that to cheat on his girlfriend". Anne. So he had lost his virginity to her at 14 and her to him. They were on a supposed break when he took mine. We never hooked up again and he went back to her. A few months later she found out about it and called me. I had never spoken to her before, but she made it clear that she was going to ruin my life. So Ryan had called her on threeway and when I got off, I tried to call a friend, and oops, they were still on the line together. He was telling her that I meant nothing blah blah blah.

SO great, I finish high school and go to college. I proceed to get into an abusive relationship and fall head obsessive over heels in love with a boy named John, when he kicked me to the curb I was devastated. I figured the only person that could fix me, or that I wanted was Ryan. I had heard that he was finally out of the relationship with Anne(after 7 years) and was moving back to Oregon. At first I just wanted to sleep with him again to show him that I wasn't that 15 year old girl anymore. So, I went to a party where he was, and well....got with him. It didn't fix me. I had to be his girlfriend....so after much stalking and showing up and buying him things....depressing I know.....he dated me. Still not good enough, he had to love me!!! And now he does...and I am not fixed still.

Back to the ex. when I lived at the mountain and Ryan and I were long distance for awhile, she came to visit and "slept on the couch" a mutual friend called me and told me that he thought they fucked, so I called and flipped out, and still believe something happened. I found out later in a drunken fight that they had "talked about getting back together". I know that she cheated on her boyfreind and slept with him when we were first hooking up which was fine cause I was still sleeping with John, and this cowboy Wyatt (who's last girlfriend was playmate of the year 2007) and Ryan too...so whatever, but when she "slept on the couch" we were totally exclusive for 7 months.


I am still unhappy whenever I see this girl, I even invited her to Ryan's suprise party 6 months later and she drove 5 hours to be there (I didn't actually think she would come) and showed up and was all over him and really bugged the shit out of me. I was dancing with a girlfriend and she grabs me and starts dancing with me!! THIS IS THE PIC I HAVE POSTED. So fucking weird and then her best friend put pics up on myspace, and she wrote a comment "what a stupid bitch, I can't believe I danced with her, she looks like such a whore" of course I read it since I am a myspace stalker, and was devastated. My boyfreind commented that she was a bitch, and she actually called me on the phone the next day to say sorry and that at the time she wrote it she thought it "would be funny" she made me promise to hang out the next night. So I did with Ryan and she was all over him , and showing him video's of her making out with her girlfriend...ugh and I just didn't like her at all. by this time she had broken up with her boyfriend in Cali, and was just moved back here....


Anne is not beautiful but the prettiest of her friends, she is short with dark hair, and an OK body. When I saw her last, I was drunk enough to talk to her and we actually had a conversation. She told me that she was a barrista (I acted like i didn't' know...like I wasn't on her myspace a million times a day) and lived at home with her dad, and was happy to be a barrista until she died. Well, I knew that I had won in a way ....I mean to be content with that...and her new car ( A KIA) I mean, I want so much more. I am not saying that she has a bad life, but to not aspire for more, I felt like I had something she didn't. Still, she is cute, and has a new boyfriend, and at the party told Ryan's best friends mom that she was sad she "didn't marry Ryan" but I was looking pretty good, going to grad school, and right now at least Ryan loves me.

So why do I continue to bother myself looking at pictures of her, and even some with her and ryan together from 2006?? I don't understand myself. I thought that the behavior would suddenly stop when I quit smoking because I would have more control over myself. Alas this is not the case.

So I always think that he cheated on me, and even though she has slept with his co-worker, and two of his closest friends since she has moved back to town, well, I still think he loves her.

It really brings me back to the night she "Slept on the couch" He said that he didn't sleep with her because he had me, and she had a boyfriend. I know for a fact that she had cheated on that boyfriend with Ryan in February of that same year, and now it was November so what was stopping her?? Also, he pretty much said that he would have slept with her if he didn't have me, so that means he still wants to fuck her.....he is still attracted to her, and I can see how an old habit would be hard to break considering he had fucked her every time he saw her his whole sexual life! so how do I live up to that??? I fantasize that he thinks of her when he fucks me, even while we are having sex....he used to tell me I am too tall...I am 5'7 she is 5'2. They talked about getting back together that night....did they kiss?? did they in fact have sex?? What fucking happened.

God damnit, writing doesn't seem to be making it any clearer or making me feel any better. I just feel angry and more obsessed than ever. Sometimes when I see her I just want to ask what happened. Drama queen I know, and it's been over a year now so it seems a little late. When I see her I used to get so worked up I would go sit in the car and cry about it, but now I almost look forward to it since I am doing so well (in comparison in my mind) and I can tell she is jelous and I want her to feel like I did when I was 15 and she was with him and I was the outcast. She does have a new boyfriend Richie, and he is basically a loser. When she and I were out for a friends birthday she didn't have a chance to talk to Ryan or me at all because she was hanging all over her own man since she had cheated on him with Ryan's best friend a few nights before. It was a gleefull night for me to say the least. And maybe I am just looking for something to be angry about, something to feel, I guess i enjoy being sad and depressed and obsessed. It is ridiculous and totally silly..

wow, I can really go on and on, but truly this subject takes up about an hour of my day every day, and I wish I could let it go.

It's not like I don't' have an ex myself. In fact John my ex from college still does my taxes and I do talk to him from time to time and I always wonder when I am going to see him "will I still be attracted to him? Do I still want to sleep with him?" Usually when I see him I am thankful that I have Ryan, I wonder if Ryan feels the same when he sees Anne.....I will always wonder. I have beaten the dead horse on this subject with ryan to the point that I can't even bring her up without him getting a little angry. It's really boring to be obsessed. I wish I could stop.

day 6

So far so good right??

I am going to stop counting the days now....until I hit a bench mark like a month or something. My whole family is so happy for me and are all on my case trying to help me stay sober. Mom wants me to go to NA (narcotics anonymous) and I said I didn't want to go because I have been to MA (marijuana anonymous) before and it only made me want to smoke more. I am so busy with school I don't have much time to mope about not smoking lately. my boyfriend is kicking me off the computer so he can do his midterm...

Day four 11:53pm

Another day down, and I am feeling alright hence the lack of an earlier entry. I am tired and don't "need" to vent much, though tonight in class my two fucking friends come in to a 4 hour 500 level grad school class totally wasted. And I was like you guys are really annoying and need to stop making ridiculous comments in class tonight. My hommie tells me to go fuck myself...which hurt my feelings and said that he doesn't say anything to me when I am stoned in class, and I then had to remind him that I don't ever talk when I am stoned "SO THERE!!!"

Anyway, I am enjoying at least being righteous about my sobriety. Stupid alcoholics.... ;-)

but really, it did feel good, to for once be on the other side of the fence. I am doing good, and I don't feel like using at all right now....a new experience. And I talked to my dad on the phone for an hour last night and he told me that I sound different and more excited about everything, and he was really happy to know that I am not using weed anymore.

I like making my dad happy.

yay for me