Heart Pain

Hello world! Its been three years. Three years since my last post and wow has shit changed. Guess why I am here though....that's right. I am quitting the weed again. Got the masters, have a nice cozy job now. Got rid of old boyfriend, had a poly relationship with a couple and am now pulling myself out of that hole. Literally on my knees and lifting my broken, disheveled body out of the pain and stupidity of the last year. LOVE HURTS

Oh yeah I learned something. 28 years old now. Old bitch. I started this blog at 23 I think. It's still my secret blog. No one in my real life has ever read it I don't think. I am glad I still can pour out my little heart somewhere.


So yeah, tomorrow is Halloween and I will be taking my first step of sobriety on Thursday. I'll be blogging every time I get the urge to smoke and will probably have a lot of crazy shit to talk about. I don't even know where to begin, but hold on to your hats. It's been a crazy ride.

mind shift

Life changes, so I am making life changes. I am on a yoga kick, done six days in a row..five were hot yoga in the studio, and one day on my own. ITs amazing how yoga not only transforms your body but also how much more control I have over my mind is even more uncanny. I usually bitch and moan about any little task that I have to do, and try to get sympathy from those around me. now, I just do it. Don't think, just do. I am going to have to do the task anyway, I might as well not bitch about it. Strangely not bitching makes tasks less horrible. Its like amazing that i did not already know this. Now when I hear my roommate bitching about whatever, I just tune out and feel happy that I notice that I no longer do it. Yay for me.

Still smoking herb, but not as much. this is a short blog cause I am meeting my prego sister for lunch. I am in the midst of planning her shot gun wedding, and the stress that was so great, is melting in front of me.

Ugh, I couldn't do it. Drank, smoked and a little oxycotin last night too. wtf. Why can't I just have some self restraint?? I gotta try again. today will be my true day one. I am going to be such a bitch face.

Life in the looney bin

I feel totally normal again today. School has sobered me up more quickly than I had wanted. Japanese class has my brain on a different wave length. I am thankful for that. I am so excited to visit Japan next year.

I need time to get clear, clean again. God damnit. I have am not drinking for the month, and no drugs...my last dance with mary jane will be tomorrow. I'll let the crazy out on Halloween, but not till then.

I am moving downtown next week, with my best friend. A whole new beginning. Living with my dad again at 25 has been more than demoralizing. Its been a month now, and I am dying to get out and on my own again. I fucking love this town though, and am really ready to find new secrets and crevasses.

Taking a little break from Ryan. not ready to let go yet, but thinking about it. This last week has been like a dream. A drama out of my mind dream....and it was good, but now I have to repent

I fucking hate being here at night though, its just weird being here with my dad. I love him, but he just talks about my little brother who is on drugs all the time. and how he is paying for him to be in college blah blah blah. My little brother is a total douche bag, doing heroin and selling drugs...badly. I don't know....I helped dad move him to my college town and get him enrolled at the community college..all while he was coming off the dope. We just caught the little fucker back at home downtown hanging out while he was supposed to be in class. Ridiculous. my dad took him back to school yesterday. He is so involved. My little sister is there and just had her birthday yesterday. 20 years old. Ah the good days. College.

I haven't partied like I did this week since college. four years of drugs and sex and parties.

I gotta grow up. Its a new ball game at 25. gotta get on my game...

drugs and strippers

I almost eat pussy last night. I know......it was not planned. I hung out with my stripper friend Juliet, and she was wanting to check out some new clubs to work at. I guess she isn't making any money, and thought maybe a change in venue would bring her better luck. We went to two clubs, and got our drinks paid for us. The first club took only a little booty shake from my girl and the first chump was putty in her hands. Guy number two was already won...a regular of her's I guess.....he was young and ok looking....but whatever...i was not in any mood. My dad had taken me to see Micheal Moores movie "Capitalism, a love story". It was depressing and made me feel pretty stupid to be pursuing my graduate degree and taking on student loans that I will probably be paying for the rest of my life....40k and counting....I'll owe 60k by the time I am out. Only strippers could really get me out of the shitty mood I was in...and alcohol.

Two Spanish coffee's later, and on to the next.... Juliet asks our man to give her a quick $20 for a lap dance....he does and we go outside for a smoke. I know I was wasted because I let him squish me and kiss my neck while I drunkenly swayed in front of him. I didn't care...I am already damaged

Maybe I did care....cause the moment Juliet started kissing me at the club, I called Ryan (my bf) and told him to "get ready for some action". We finally got home having driven too drunk to legally drive...which I know is horrible. Ryan was in director mode. Every time our girl lips locked, he would try to get us in the bedroom. Finally we decided to play some dress up. My ex stripper clothes were finally an asset.

She is too pretty. Perfect body...fucking perfect. I am not...a little too round in the middle and maybe it was this alone that was the problem. I mean how could he not want her? I didn't let him fuck her, but she played with his cock, I saw them kiss, I sucked her tits while he fucked me, and his fingers were thrust deep inside her while he came in my mouth. It was his lucky night. You know why I did it....I know why I did it. At the end, I let Juliet lay in the middle of us...I felt done....I came, he came...I even banged her till she came...but it wasn't enough attention. She needed more, and she wanted it from him. I let him have it. I felt him cheat on me....my back was turned, but I knew I deserved it and I cried.

Finally I left the room claiming alcohol sickness. I told him it was over....our relationship because he fucked her....

He swore he didn't that he never put his dick in her....blast.....i felt them moving over there, but he was never one that could get his dick hard again for round two. My plan for freedom ruined...I slept on the couch, Ryan on the other, and Juliet in our bed. She left around four and we went to bed. I puked all night then we picked up my car in the morning and invited her to breakfast.

Eh.

Too much drugs and drinking and sluttyness. I am not this person. I have not been like this for years....its like I am so fucked emotionally right now I can't help but binge binge binge. I have never felt so alone, like I can't trust anyone with my secrets anymore. this is my secret blog...

I am such a whore

God damnit....why did I do it??

Last night, I went and hung out with my old co-workers and one of them I have always had a crush on. He is so similar to me with our drug backgrounds and running cities with weed. He was all over me last night. I liked it. He gave me some herb, bought all my drinks, and made me drive up the street to get some blow. My other ex co-sorker was passed out in my car. We did some lines....and well.....we started making out, and he was all over my tits, sucking on them and kissing me.

The kissing was bad, I didnt' like it and told him to "for gods sake close your mouth!" I tried to kiss him so it would be good for me...but it never really was. I was not turned on really...my ex stripper status turned on and I felt like I was just doing him a favor, nothing for me. God....I feel terrible. he just called me and said he was sorry for what happend and that the morning guilt was bad. It was bad for me too. I guess i have been so bored with my relationship that I wanted to know what it would be like. And now I know...and I don't want to cheat again.

At the end of the night he walked me back to the car, and we made out again, and titties, and I let him finger bang me...which I hated.....I just am not into him.

Sucks...............the grass is always greener. I am not telling ANYONE, and I have a huge mouth so its really hard to hold it in. Hence the blog.....my secret blog.

How do I redeem myself? When he called today to say sorry, he told me of his guilt and that he was just really drunk, and that we should hang out again and be friends, and that it would never happen again.................ugh, I actually felt kinda sad that it wouldn't. wierd cause I didn't like it, but I guess I like being wanted.

I miss my boyfriend. I wish I could let him touch me the way I let my exco-worker....what the fuck is wrong with me??

15 days clean

Hit the two week mark....feeling like smoking a bowl. Sooooo I guess it just never ends. Sobriety is never going to be easy and every day is a god damn struggle. My moods are rediculous, and I have kicked my boyfriend out of bed twice this week. So yeah, I am being a bitch. I hope that I can stabalize soon. I traded a dub for six vicodin yesterday and took four....it was OK, but not as cozy as weed is.

It snowed for the first time this year in portland yesterday. I was feeling so cozy with the snow and a fire, and I just wanted to smoke so bad...and I didn't. I have to at least give myself props for not giving in. Another two weeks and I will have made an accomplishment. God weed is a bitch to get out of your system. I have been running and drinking water, but I still feel sluggish and tired all the time, and still no more clear than day two.

Not going to give up though, at least not yet.